The Endless Journey ...

In the past several years I have come a long way … a long way from the “always a girlfriend”, insecure, “I’ll do what you want to do”, sometimes self-loathing girl. Today I am proud of who I am, secure in who I am (not quite 100% on the physical), un-attached, laid-back woman.

I have been happily un-attached for quite some time and I have embraced every opportunity that has presented itself. And no, I don’t mean opportunity in the form of a man. My idea of opportunity has come in the form of a career, of goals, of dreams. I have been able to build friendships that I neglected to do as what I refer to as a “serial monogamous girlfriend”. I was literally jumping from one relationship to the next; always faithful and always giving. I spent so much time making everyone else happy that I left no time for myself. Do I regret it? No. Not one bit. I remain a very selfless person and will strive to be selfless throughout the continuation of my Earthly life. When I give to people I have never and will never expect anything in return EXCEPT the same love and respect they get from me. There’s also the understanding and ability to get my sarcastic humor, but those usually come after some time around me.

I get that I am a hard one to figure out. I think 50% is because I like it that way and the other half is because I think everyone deserves to keep a little mystery. I’ve learned the mystery is what keeps a relationship on fire. I am a very passionate person and being able to get or give something new from time to time definitely keeps things alive. Unfortunately, the ‘mystery’ can not all the time be good. I have never been unfaithful, but being human I have been tempted on numerous occasions. But, I’ve realized that those moments of weakness came upon a time of unhappiness and loneliness. I’ve been broken down and cheated on to a point where even I thought I would never allow myself to love again.

I have worked diligently over the past 18 months to re-build the foundations of “Tiffany”. I have re-paved the lines of thought, colored in the outlines and sewn up my broken heart. I have built a bigger and better me as a result of the pain I have experienced. But, with every new construction, do come kinks along the way – the potholes if you will. I never plan to be brand new. I like to think of myself as a quilt – one that women in the 18 & 1900’s would sit together and sew. Little pieces of random memories and experiences all sewn together to make one piece of work. A fine collection.

I enjoy being single, being happy on my own but there are times of loneliness and wishful thinking for something more which brings me to my point. I love my friends. I love weddings, but sometimes their happy endings can be unhappy for me. My oldest and dearest best friend was married March 28, 2009 as you will know if you read my previous post. The wedding was to die for and unforgettable – just like anything major that Sarah does. After it was all said and done, I found myself very sad. Partly because I so enjoyed everything leading up to and immediately following, but mostly because I sat back to wonder if she would ever share in that same happiness for me. I quit looking for love a long time ago and knew that if it were to happen, it would find me – as it should. I’m told that when you do quit looking, often times it does find you.

I don’t want to start looking again, nor do I want to find someone to ‘settle’ with, but I sometimes just crave being in the arms of someone, laughing until I cry with someone and sharing new & old experiences with someone. It probably sounds completely ridiculous – even I think I sound a little ridiculous, but it is how I feel at this moment. I have spent the past week in this dark place where I have had doubt that I will ever find that happiness that most of my friends and family now have. I miss the companionship.

Coming into this weekend I was still feeling rather ‘down’ with no sight of any light at the end of any tunnel. I spent yesterday in Tampa with my cousin for her little boy’s 2nd birthday. It was nice to be around family, friends and all of their kids. It gave me hope again and I started to come around. I woke up this morning with a new perspective (once again) and found myself almost back to normal. My cousin and I sat down for a coffee (tea for me) and talked for nearly 3 hours. It felt as though we were back in the days of her being single when we would sit up all night gabbing about this and that. How boys were awful and there didn’t seem to be anyone worth keeping around. But I look at her and remember that she was me just a few years ago, in the same position, and now she has a great husband and 2 beautiful kids and aside from the everyday kinks in her life, she is happy. It renews my faith in love and happiness and I sit here now knowing that it will, indeed, be okay.

I am (again) content with my single status. I’m okay with that fact that I will go to bed alone tonight and I am grateful that I am here to live another day that will be full of new experiences. I know that I will find my happiness. It will be unlike any of those of my friends or family. It will be my own personal happiness that only I get to experience with the person that loves me for me, that WANTS to make me happy. But, for now, I am happy with me. I have the happiness that many will never know, that many never take the time to find. The most important journey in life is the one to self-discovery. Indeed it is a journey that never ends, but without happiness with yourself you will never find it with someone else.

And so, my life is back on track and I can wake up with a renewed appreciation for life and for patience, a virtue that is mostly hard for me to maintain.