Inspiration Has Found Me ... Once Again ...

I found myself reading my last post ... about finding love, finding happiness with another soul and whether it would ever happen for me again. On April 20th I went out with a guy. I took a chance on this one, being that I had never met or seen this guy before. My first impression was that it would not go past a first date and if it did it would be out of sheer pity. This guy was beautiful. Conversation was fantastic, food was not. After dinner we went over to the next town and had a drink. Conversation continued to be better than expected and I found myself hopeful for a second date. He dropped me off without a kiss, not even a hug. My hopes were crushed. A short while after walking inside my house I received a message from him, restoring my hopes of that second date. Many text messages and two days later I found myself at his house, having a scotch on the rocks on his back porch overlooking the lake. Still doubtful of anything becoming of these two dates, I sat back and enjoyed every second of what he had to offer. He walked me to my car that night and nervously admitted his intention of kissing me. We did so. I drove home with butterflies that night. Two days after that we were in the car together headed to Ft. Lauderdale for a fight. About halfway into our journey we took a detour, almost ending up in Puerto Rico. Our destination ended up being Vero Beach, a tiki bar called Capt. Hiram's. We sat on the water listening to live music, eating and drinking for hours. We started off across from each other and in just a short time we were huddled on one side of the booth, heavily flirting that eventually led to some serious PDA. That night changed my life. Silly as it seems, I was elated. Could this near-perfect guy be for real? It sure seemed so. The night only became more and more perfect. Waking up the next morning with a hangover was worth every second we had shared the night before.

We carried on for several months. These few months were virtually the happiest I had been in a very long time. This 'relationship' swiftly became nothing more than it was on that first date. Now we remain good friends, but I had never felt this way about someone before. I dare say love, but an overwhelming feeling of contentment, happiness. I mostly attribute this different feeling to my newfound level of independence. You go 18 months being with no one but yourself changes things, it changes life and how we see it. It made me see Tiffany.

The past few weeks have shown me that my heart can only handle so much stress. I mourned the loss of a dear friend while trying to save my relationship with my very own sister. Just as I started to take a turn for the better, I found myself in the Emergency Room. Severe panic attack as well as a small heart irregularity, they said. After being prescribed more than a few medications, I began to feel worse. So bad in fact, I wound up making a call into my lady doctor complaining of what felt like a heart attack and persistent nausea. Needless to say I am no longer taking any of those poison pills. My biggest fear is waking up one day realizing I'm an addict. I've been in that position before. Being 23 and having the realization that you are addicted to pain killers is a scary thing. I was so out of my own mind that I had convinced myself that I needed them. I didn't feel myself unless I was completely numb. They took not only the physical pain away but the mental pain of being in a severely dysfunctional and abusive relationship. I woke up one day choosing to help myself. I dug myself out of the deep hole I had dug and cleaned myself up. I was never a junkie, just your average well-to-do closet addict. I mentally trained myself to become dependent only on myself. I let myself feel physical pain and appreciated it. For me, the physical is far easier to bear than the emotional.

I wake up every morning with a positive attitude. I tell myself that it will be okay, that it will be a good day. Though mind over matter is not always as easy as it sounds, I sometimes still manage to keep that attitude throughout the day. It is hard, I struggle, but I get through it. I try to keep focus at work, doing the best job I know how. Unlike many in my office, I work for survival, for my future - whatever that may be. I have gotten where I am today by being absolutely committed to whatever endeavor I have chosen.

Writing, while being a passion of mine, has always been an outlet for me. It allows me to put into words what I am feeling at any given moment. My words may not always be in sync or make sense to others, but in reality - whose thoughts always do make any sense when combined with other thoughts? The great thing about writing is that people can choose to read it, it is not an obligation. I feel honored when people take the time to read what I have written. Though we all lead very different lives, there are often common factors in each of our lives that closely relate to what is going on with us as individuals. I can only hope that someday my words can positively affect someone else. I believe we are all to make our own mistakes to learn from, but sometimes seeing hardships that others encounter can alter the decisions we make in our own lives - sometimes for the good and other times for the bad. Regardless, we should take comfort in knowing that everything that happens to us is for good reason - not A reason, but good reason. We can choose to learn from our experiences, or we can ignore the affect they have on us or others, only to one day make that same mistake again. I have no regrets, as I have said before. People waste so much precious time wondering what could have been or what will be instead of taking a grip on the present and making the most of it hoping that it will better their future.

I get annoyed when people tell me, "You have your whole life ahead of you. You are still so young." While that may be true, I may not wake up tomorrow. Today could possibly be my last. Should I wake up tomorrow standing in the clouds, looking down at Earth I can only hope that I am proud of what I have accomplished, what I have done. The truth is that nothing is promised, especially time. We are to make the most of what time we do have because we are all limited. I want to experience as much as possible. I want to feel as though I have made a difference in someone else's life. I would love to travel to the East and work with children who have grown up in less fortunate circumstances than myself. I am happiest when I can help others. I have never had a lot, but what I do have a lot of is compassion. Seeing others smile is more than enough to bring one to my face.

Life is so very short, so very precious. When you find something or someone that makes you happy, stick with it (or them). Fight for it. Never give up on happiness. Never give up on yourself. We are who we make ourselves out to be. We are only as good as our last action, our last thought. Most importantly, LIVE!

Until next time, au revoir.

tj