American Woman ...

Growing up I imagined myself married with kids by age 25. I envisioned the big wedding (not the big dress because bigger is NOT always better), the intimate photos, the honeymoon and discovering a few months later that I would soon become a Mother. Most little girls, whether they admit it as adults or not, have this same vision. It is a young girl’s rite of passage.

I recently turned 26. I am single and the closest thing to having a child is my dog, Huck. Over the past year I have realized that even I became a victim of society’s expectations. There may have been a point in my life where all of those things, in that timeline, were appealing to me but as of today I will never know whether I truly wanted them or if outside factors attributed to my wanting them. Either way, it is beside the point.

From age 16 on I was on the prowl. I opened my heart and each time had it broken. I figured that any guy willing to marry any girl would need to be in a significant, long-term relationship. So each relationship I would ask myself: “Can I see myself living a lifetime with this one?” Each time I knew deep down that I was on the road, sometimes very long road, to heartbreak but I hung in there thinking there might just be an ounce of hope. Call me a hopeless romantic or call me stupid. I think it was a combination of both, but I would know better than anyone.

I remember my 25th birthday. It was my last week in Los Angeles, and it was Thanksgiving Day. I had been in a very dysfunctional relationship that had more or less been over for months, but because of the convenience of our living situation we learned to deal. I sat in my apartment watching Christmas movies on TV. I made myself some homemade mac n cheese and drank 2 ½ bottles of Pinot Noir. The Thanksgiving card I had given to my ex was recycled and in turn given back to me with a message inside that said “Happy Birthday”. That would be enough to make anyone cry, but my tears were not a result of that since our relationship had long since been over. My tears that day were the realization that everything I had thought about for the previous 9 years was not MY dream. The expectation of a young woman sharing her life with an incredible man and creating another life together was what the World led me to believe, not my heart – or my head.

Those 9 years were brutal. One deceitful or abusive relationship after another. I suppose it did not help that I was a product of a broken home so my will to make something work was even stronger. I mean, I did get the wedding. It may have been in Las Vegas. It may have taken place at a drive-thru chapel. It may not have led to a honeymoon, but it was a wedding nonetheless. (As a joke to myself and my family, I have the marriage certificate framed. We have a sordid sense of humor.) My point is that the wedding does not close the deal. Weddings do not secure that bond, nor do they secure happiness. Some people (I may have been one of them) believe that if you can lock another person in then things can only get better. If that is the attitude you have going into a marriage then I can assure you that you are setting yourself up for doom.

There are also the people that, even after a long courtship and now engagement, are not happy but proceed with the marriage because they know it will make their family happy, or their friends, or both. You are all fools. It is never too late to walk away. You have to think of number one – yourself - and your happiness. I’m sure you are all thinking that I should have taken my own advice and you could be right, but then again my marriage – and my life for that matter - was an adventure. I definitely did not do it to please anyone other than myself. I mean, it was just me and the groom for goodness sake. It wasn’t like my friends or family were there saying “You gotta do this Tiffany!” Why in God’s name do you think that over 60% of marriages end in divorce? It is because they were entered with the wrong intentions. There are many factors that go into why marriages fail, but I believe that most of those failed attempts could have easily been avoided had the two people involved actually thought their decision through.

I used to believe that love was forever. There is a difference between ‘love’ and being ‘in love’. I thought that being ‘in love’ was permanent, that you cannot fall ‘out of love’. I have learned first hand and through others that is simply not true. It goes with the saying “It is better to have loved and had your heart broken a hundred times, than to never love at all”. Each of my experiences with love taught me something. Even if something does not succeed you should be smart enough to still take something from it. There is a lesson in everything whether it is success or failure. We have to depend on ourselves to find out what that lesson is and learn from it.

And here I am, 26, single and childless. Does it make me unhappy to think back and wonder what happened? No. It is the same with all regret – what is the point? Knowing that we cannot go back and change the past, why do we burden ourselves with guilt or displeasure about choices we have made or things we have done? I have learned from all my painful experiences. Maybe not the lesson I should have, but I still took something away. I, at the very least, owed that to myself.

I now have a better understanding of what feminism truly represents. It is not about dominating men, or being better, or living life completely without the male race – it is about teaching women that it is okay to be independent. Women should not be dependent on men, or anyone for that matter. We have to build a life for ourselves before we can build a life with someone else. There is such a predisposition about women finding a man to take care of her. Now, it is important to know that he would be capable of ‘caring for’ you but not ‘care of’ you. Too many women convince themselves that they should just stay at home taking care of kids all day or playing tennis or become a socialite. Wake up. The only thing that proves is that you are lazy and care nothing of your own independence or self-worth. Granted, there are women that are born to be mothers, but you will find that those true types also have a will to do something else. Some will become artists. Some will become small business owners and some will be the coach of the neighborhood soccer team. They are doing something.

Since becoming single I have really let go of the bonds of sharing my life. I realized that I had a lot of life to live on my own. I wake up each day with an open heart, but not anxious to find someone to fill it. I enjoy taking my time to do things, to go where I please as I please. I go away on weekends with my girlfriends, something I never took advantage of before, and I laugh … a lot. I am truly living for the very first time - for myself. I am experiencing things on my own, that before I came away with knowing I would always have something to attach that experience to. I have lived a very exciting life and done many things that most normal people never will, and I am more than grateful for all of those experiences, both good and bad. Now, though, it is time to make memories of my own. I believe the reason my dating life was so difficult up until 26 was because I was looking for a childhood dream, that was simply just a dream. Now that I am past that ‘cut off’ date, I feel free to just be happy – and I am.