Dazed but not confused ...

My level of exhaustion has caused me to tape my eyelids open and pour large amounts of caffeine down my throat. Thank goodness for my Venti Shaken Iced Green Tea Lemonade (unsweetened) from Starbucks. If I have a vice, and I have many, that is my one for today and has been several days this week. Yes, Starbucks prices can sometimes been seen as astronomical, but we are in a 'recession' are we not? I am just doing my part to stimulate the economy. Honestly, I do not really believe things are as bad as we are led to believe. The reason people aren't spending money is because the tv and radio personalities are telling us that there is no money. There is always money. It is yet another conspiracy and I led myself to believe. Seriously, how can you just run out of money? My uber-hippie friends will hate me for saying this but there are always trees - and speaking of that, why hasn't our government come up with a more cost-efficient and Earth-friendly way of producing money yet? Or have they but, like a cure for cancer they aren't willing to release this information? The economy is bad because America is being told not to spend money, but then to go out and spend it. Yes, we are on hard times and I am not denying that, but I just do not believe it is as bad as we are being told. Call me a skeptic. Maybe. But I see myself as a realist. Just think about it - how can we really run out of money? It just baffles me. To elaborate on my theory of just diseases like AIDS and cancer - in this day and age when scientists are able to build a machine that could potentially create one, if not more, black hole therefore ending life as we know it AKA The Doomsday Machine then how on Earth do you expect me to believe that there are not cures for these life threatening and often deadly diseases? Hmmm, oh yeah - I know why ... because that would mean the sheisty pharmaceutical world wouldn't be profiting as much because people wouldn't need to spend insane amounts of money on their monthly prescriptions 'delaying the process of death' or on chemotherapy and radiation - that with one little cure could be saved. Do not tell me it is not possible. Anything is possible, especially in the 21st century. There may be far more intelligent life forms lingering around the Universe, but there are plenty of gifted people on Earth. We are far more advanced than anyone would really like us to believe.

I took a conspiracy class in college and it was probably one of the most eye opening experiences of my life. I didn't buy into all of it and the professor didn't tell us stories and theories to make us believe them, but he left the choice up to us. For anyone who grew up in a very narrow-minded family or household it is definitely a very educational and broadening class to take. It opened my mind to endless possibilities and theories I have created on my own about everyday topics. Yes, I question whether we really landed on the moon the first time it was telecast around the World and yes I question Marilyn Monroe's death, I mean suicide. Conspiracy Theories fascinate me. For those whose minds never quit (like mine) the very idea that things aren't always what they seem is a great swimming pool of thought to dive into and you won't need a life preserver to keep you afloat.

Life is funny. Life is short. I had a chat with my aunt and uncle last night, who by the way are great people. They are 2 of the very few in my family that at least try to understand me. They appreciate my being different, and although we do not always agree they love me just the same. So over a glass of Blackstone last night we chatted about the happenings in their lives and mine. I didn't have much to share other than the fact that I was still single and doing my duty as a bridesmaid by throwing a bridal shower. Then there's the part where I was offered a job as a personal shopper to a few of the women I met at my stylist's "Girls Night Out" bash last week. Other than that my life has been pretty stagnant, but we got on the subject of my short-lived marriage and my sleeve (tattoo) on my right arm. They were asking if I regret my decisions and if I torment myself thinking about how it could have been different. My response? Absolutely not. I went on to explain that I truly believe regret is a wasted emotion, a wasted effort of feeling. Why fret about those things that we cannot change? The wise people of this World make their mistakes and learn from them. We can always take something away from the good and bad things we have done in our lives. I am by no means 'wise' but I consider myself on the path of wisdom because I can evaluate every situation I have been in and take something from it.

As far as my marriage is concerned, how many people that you know can say that they woke up one morning, while living in San Diego, and drove five hours to Vegas to get married in a drive-thru wedding chapel? Well, I can. I am one. My only experience in Vegas was my marriage. As I said, my marriage was short-lived, lasting all of two months before the annullment was finalized. I loved every minute of it and although we stayed together for the following 18 months only to later separate for good, I have so many things to take from that single experience. I know that should I ever decide to plunge into another holy matrimony that I will prefer something a little more traditional. I know that marriage isn't necessarily the best thing to be so spontaneous about and I know that marriage is far more than living together and sharing EVERYTHING! That was probably the most rocky relationship I have ever been in, but so passionate. You could feed off of our every emotion and know exactly what the other was feeling. So, no regrets there.

Now on to my tattoo. I have a mural of Adam & Eve, with appearances by the serpent and a few apples and, of course, the infamous leaves leaving some things to the imagination. I had been wanting something extravagant for quite some time. I got my first tattoo on my 18th birthday (I know, so cliche) and it is a spiral flower that I drew myself. Yes, it has a meaning, but its personal. My second is a character meaning "Heaven". I would not call myself a 'religious' person but I am very spiritual and have taken away much of what I was raised to believe. My sleeve would be my third and certainly not my last. I don't intend to cover every inch of my body, but having an endless imagination I am almost constantly thinking of new things I want. My parents are so proud ... no really, they're cool. I first started the work on it in spring of 2007 and it has been a work in progress ever since. My artist still remains in Encinitas, CA so needless to say my being 3,000 some odd miles away hasn't produced much additional work. I'm in search for an artist I suppose. I know true artists hate using other peoples 'molds' to build on, but TOUGH. I am a very stubborn woman and I get what I want. And what I want is more work! It has been over a year since my last sitting. Tattooing for me is therapeutic. Call me crazy (I'll most likely agree) but I can fall asleep like a little baby while having work done. I feel the stress melt away. I am sure there is a word for that, but I don't like labels. I am walking around like an incomplete canvas and it bothers me, but you can't let just anyone draw with permanent ink on your skin. I am proud of my work (although there are a few things I will tweak) and I am not ashamed, but living in a place such as Polk County, you find that the general population isn't so open to your creative genius as they were back West.

These topics lead me into my next: Appearances are not always what they seem. Me for instance, have tattoos and piercings and do not turn down the occasional drink. My church family would call me a heathen. I call myself a Christian. People look at me and when they see my exterior they completely bypass any and all possibilities that I just might be a good person. How do I define good? Well, I love. I love to love. I nurture. I was blessed with parents that taught me there is never a reason to not say "Yes sir" or "No Ma'am". I believe in God. I pray on a daily basis, more times in one day than most can comprehend. I drop whatever I am doing and rush to the side of a friend or family member in need. I cook. I clean. I try very very hard not to curse, and for the most part am successful. I smile as often as possible and I cry just the same. I love people of every race, sex, belief and sexual orientation. Some would call that 'liberal-minded' I call it being human. God is the only one with the power to judge us why what we say and do. I was put here to love regardless of any of those things. I feel I am a better person for doing so.

Love life and the opportunity to live it.