Boys, Girls and everything in between ...

For some reason my gal pals come to me for 'boy' (and 'girl') advice. Why? I cannot say, but it happens. Maybe because I am well-versed in everything boy (and girl) or maybe because I have experienced nearly every type of relationship there is. There is also the chance that they just feel comfortable talking to me because I am the one person they know won't judge. Either way they come and they ask questions. They seek advice. Advice which I tell them is only from my experience and should not always be taken to heart. But my last inquiry got me thinking. And we all know what happens when I get to thinking - I write. I write and don't stop writing until I have said everything I have to say OR when my fingers get tired from typing OR when I think you have become bored of my words.



First. How do you initiate the "what will become of us" conversation? Guys are way more sensitive than they would like us to believe. It is an awkward topic of conversation. Say, for instance, that you just want to 'hang out' and have fun and not get into anything too serious - how do you go about relaying that message? If you come right out and say "Hey, you know I think you are a really cool person, but I'm not interested in a relationship right now" and they weren't interested in that in the first place then you risk looking like a fool, but if you don't fess up then they're led to believe that you're in it for the long run and it only makes things more awkward down the road. Yeah, this is an iffy subject, but I say just throw it all out there. What do you have to lose? I mean, at least its on the table and if the guy treats you like an idiot then he's not the kind of guy you want to hang around and have fun with anyhow. Capeche?



Second. Is there ever a 'right time' to become intimate. Intimacy doesn't just mean a physical relationship. Intimacy can be scaled out on several levels. Conversation is a big one. How open should you be on a first date? The second, third? It varies. I usually just go with my gut. If I am comfortable with a person (you know when I'm not because I cross my arms and usually remain pretty quiet and closed off) then I usually just spout off all the basics. Where I'm from, what I do for a living, what I do for fun, what I'm interested in. If there is a second date, the answer to most of those questions will help in deciding where to go from there and possibly what to do for the second date and so on. I used to be very closed off to everyone. I wouldn't share anything 'intimate' or personal for quite some time. I think it is important for us all to have a few secrets here and there. Now, I try to open myself up a little more. I figure what's the point in holding it in? Personal information is usually a very good indicator of how much the other person can and will tolerate. My theory is that if I let them know how I am right off the bat (with a few things remaining secret) then they have no excuse to complain later down the road. With that being said, don't give everything away on the first date. Guys love a good mystery no matter how much they deny it. Just like a dog (no offense boys) they love a good chase. It keeps things interesting and gives you more time to elaborate on the things you do talk about. Physical intimacy. When should the first kiss be? When should you unhook the bra? When should you bring out the lingerie? All good questions. All different answers. It is definitely a personal choice. I, for instance, have never 'given' myself to someone I do not call my 'significant other'. It is not because I am a prude (well maybe a little) but because I feel safer that way. It is not something I take for granted nor do I take lightly. Some people have the ability to just go out and find the first thing with the opposite (or same) anatomy and just knock their boots. I like for my experiences, no matter what they are, to have some form of meaning. Remember - personal choice. I would definitely suggest not doing anything until you are in your own state of mind. Don't let alcohol affect your decision because it should be something that you are lucidly willing to do. I know I sound like a Mother, but I care about my friends and their well-being. Too many times have I had to loan out my shoulders and too many times have they been drenched over broken hearts and broken promises. First kiss? Whenever it feels right. The first kiss says more than most conversations - at least it should. If it isn't right - I have been known to run. Seriously. Literally. There is nothing worse than a dysfunctional tongue meeting. I have stayed with ONE boyfriend that wasn't a good kisser and that was because I just had so much stinkin' fun hanging out with him. I swore to myself I would coach him, but I just never had the heart to tell him. Today is a different story. I put up with very little. I think its because I am getting older and fear much less. Moral to the story is that do things when they feel right. Regardless of what I say, what your parents say or what your friends say - just do what (truly) feels right to you. You may end up with a broken heart, but at least you have a heart to break. Do things for the experience, and experience things with emotion. It feels so much better.


Third. The friends. This is such a touchy subject. I have had boyfriends where the friends loved me (and some even loving me a little too much) and I have had boyfriends where the friends absolutely hated me. I suppose I am the kind of person you either love or hate, the inbetween rarely exists. Up until a few years ago every bone in my body was filled with jealousy. I was so possessive. I gave up many friendships because my fella's body was also filled with jealousy. And I was eager and very willing to give up those friendships because I was so obsessed (key word: obsessed) with that person. Side note: Obsession is never a good thing. If you feel an ounce of it, run. It leads to bad things. Broken hearts. You get the drift. Obsession is bad. Love is good. Like is good. Obsession -very bad. So, back to it ... relationships are always about compromise, but never compromise yourself. If your friends make you happy, then don't sacrifice even a tiny bit of that happiness. Especially in adulthood. Jealousy shouldn't exist. If you can't trust a person with your whole heart then you have no business being with them in the first place. Jealousy will eat you alive. It will consume you until all you have left is an empty box of Kleenex and a stomach that hasn't eaten in days (or eaten everything in sight). I realize that not all girls will abide to this and some hate the thought of her 'love' having the friendship of another female, but again if she is worried then she shouldn't waste her time. Friends should stay friends. I mean, a little compromise involving a little scaling back is always a possibility, but not if it means never talking to that person again. I have several (male) friends that no longer talk to me because of their girlfriends and if they do talk it is behind the back of that certain lady. I pose no threat. Most of my friends have been my friends for years now and if nothing has happened to date, then chances are they never will. I can assure you of that. Same goes for girls. Your fella should understand that its not likely that all of your friends will be female. Let friends be friends. Let lovers be lovers. Just never mix the two.



Fourth. Cheating. He / She better think before they cheat. Especially if I am on the other end. How long do you put up with it? How many times will it happen before you have had enough, before you call it quits? What if they were drunk and swear it will never happen again? Easy. You don't put up with it. If it happens once, thats one more time than it should have happened. Drunkeness is never an excuse because once a cheater - always a cheater. Cheaters cheat because it excites them. Think about it. If it didn't then why wouldn't they just break up with you beforehand? It makes sense. All but 2 of my previous boyfriends have cheated. Considering the number of boyfriends I have had since I was 16, those odds aren't good. I used to put up with it. I cried myself to sleep on multiple and numerous occasions but not anymore. One of the first things I tell a boy is that if there is ANY temptation in the future - just let me know. Be honest with me because it will hurt a hell of a lot less than how much it would later.



Fifth. The parents. When do you meet them? What if they don't like you? What if they like you more than they like their own child? Okay. You meet them when that person feels comfortable taking you around them. If there is the slightest bit of discomfort it will ruin the entire first impression and as my stylist says "there is never a second time for a first impression". Likewise for you. You take them when you are ready. I will say that if it has been a year and you still haven't met them then there is a big pink elephant in that room. Believe it or not, I have had several parents not like me. Only a few though. The ones that haven't have been the over-bearing mothers that just can't seem to let their baby boy go off with some other woman. They are the worst. Never trust those women. They will turn on you like a python that hasn't eaten for a month. And their bite hurts. I have also had parents that absolutely adore me. I can't say I blame them. I used to spoil the crap out of their sons which mean they no longer had to. One mother loves me still to this day and has gone on to say that I would be the only girl she would give up her right hand rock to. If I wore that thing, I'd have one strong ring finger and that is no lie. I love her to death though. Her son and I will never marry, but she will continue to hope and she is not afraid to tell you. I love her for that. It makes me feel special and reassures me that I wasn't the idiot in that relationship. Although he and I are now very dear friends, it will never be more than an exchange of phone calls, friendly banter and hugs. One last thing - never let the parents control you. If they have any hold over their (adult) son then that will only mean trouble for you later on.



Sixth. The bad habits. Men and women alike will always have those little quirky things that make them who they are, but it doesn't mean that we have to live with them. I have made a habit of asking myself very early on if those little buggers are something I can live with ... forever. Most times the answer is "no". The bad always seem to outweight the good, sadly enough.



Seventh. Do we move in together? Tricky one. It is so funny because when you have your own places to call 'home' and you spend every night with each other it is still so much different than having one shared place you call 'home'. The live together situation is definitely a decision that requires a lot of thought and a lot of preparation. You sacrifice a lot when living together and it can either make or break any relationship. The trick is focusing on the positive and not moving too soon.



Eighth. Shared bank accounts. Okay friends. This subject requires A LOT of careful thought and consideration. My advice? If you're going to have a shared account, keep individual ones as well. If you live together only contribute enough for your share of the bills and maybe a little cushion and keep the rest in the account that only has your name on it. Trust me. From my experience I can honestly say that is your best bet. The sweetest and most honest of honest may not always be so sweet and honest. Money changes people and when desperate times call for desperate measures there are those select few who will jump on those desperate measures. Believe it.

Ninth. Marriage and babies. Is there a good time to get married? To have babies? No. You can never be prepared enough for either one. I may not have kids, but I know enough people that do. Marriage and babies should be thought out. Not necessarily planned, but thought out. Accidents happen, but they aren't really accidents are they? We do things that therefore create consequences. Some good. Some bad. But our responsibility is to face them, and take them with stride. I believe that all things happen for a reason. Marriage should be fun. It should be enjoyed. Same goes for kids. Children are a blessing, especially when you take into account all the women and men out there that long for children, but do not have the 'tools' to have them. I, too, want to be a Mother one day. Some days more than I want to be a wife, but I hope for both in my future. Take your time. Once you step into either of the two, time will be a thing of the past and something you will find you run out of very quickly.

Tenth. And final. Love. What is love? Love is a lot of things. It should only ever be positive. It may not always make you feel warm and fuzzy but if it sparks any sort of emotion there has to be something there, right? I know I have touched on this before, but here we go again. I grew up believing that love was forever. That once you found it, it would never go away. Well, in my years of finding it, it has also left me plenty of times too. There is a difference between loving and being in love. Big difference. It is possible to fall out of love. To stop loving. To love is more general. You love your parents. Your siblings. Your friends. Your pets. You are only in love with those people that make you tick. They bring out things in you that you have never felt before and only feel when you are with them. I have been 'in love' once, maybe twice. It is quite an experience. Because of those people I will have a void in my heart for the rest of time. Being in love with someone requires you to give a piece of yourself away. A piece that you will never get back. That is a sacrifice you must make, but regardless of how it ends - that piece is carried with them always. I know I sound like some sappy hack, but I only speak the truth that I know. I cannot speak for all because all feel differently.

I would love to carry on, and could for days if I weren't exhausted and ready to be done with this day. I only hope that someone inexperienced in love and relationships can take a piece of what I have shared above. Advice is not always advice, but a guide to the generalities of life, love and relationships. I am no expert. And even the best of experts cannot always be right. We are all different. We all love differently and live differently and most importantly feel differently. The goal is to explore how to do each of those things for ourselves.

Live every moment.
Laugh every day.
Love beyond words.