How do you feel about the word "eternity"? Or how about "forever"? They both terrify me. Not just in terms of relationships but for anything. I mean, just think about it - that is a very long time. But if we want to get into what those words mean in a relationship then I suppose I can fight the nausea and confront the issue head on.
Here is my issue. Those words literally mean until death and possibly even after. To think about being with one person for all time is a little scary. Now, I don't mean to knock the idea for those who are on the bandwagon because I have been there and taken a ride myself, and may decide to hop back on one day, but for now I am quite content. In my opinion, partners are much like cars - its good to trade them in every few years. Yes that may sound a bit harsh, but its the truth isn't it? The best part of any relationship is usually the beginning - the 'getting to know each other' phase. It's fun. It's carefree. It's educational. After the warranty wears off, you're left with expensive mechanic bills and faulty parts whereas after the spark fizzles you're left with annoyance and boredom. At least I have been.
On the other hand, I am no 'player' or hootchie mama. I am a one-partner woman at any given time - if there is a committment at hand. I am at a place in my life where, for the first time, I am free to mingle as I please. I'm not out knockin' boots with random people but I don't have just one to call my own either. I am in a place I like to call "T Time". I am totally just living for myself. I have no one to please but myself and I rely on no one but myself. It has truly been a very fulfilling and rewarding place too. I've never felt so free and honest.
A year or two ago you could have totally pegged me for that girl that had to have a guy to feel complete. I have felt that "I want to spend 'forever' with this person" feeling on several occasions which is why I think it is perfectly fine to be where I am today. Having said that, I would love to believe there is someone out there that can make me squash my disbelief in that 'eternal love' thing. I mean, there are many people that I will love until I meet my grave, but I have yet to meet that person that will walk the path to that grave alongside me. So, until I do (if I ever do) I am perfectly happy being single.
Coming from a broken home, abusive relationships and plenty of failed ones my ego is battered and bruised. I doubted myself for a very long time and only in the past year or so have I realized that who I am is simply that: who I am. I always sized myself up to who I was with. I compromised my true self to be that of a girl that was 'perfect' for the person I was with at that time. In the process I lost myself. I have come a very long way to finding that girl again and have accepted that I am ever-changing. I don't look for things to happen, I just let them and find that the outcome is far more pleasing. So, if I do find a mate that wants to break me of my skepticism they will need to accept me for exactly as I am. In the past year I have had a single boyfriend and the demise of that relationship was because he couldn't accept that I was strong on my own two feet. Sad to say, but oh so true.
I also find myself longing to be a mother more than a wife. I mean, if I were to get married my outlook on marriage is much different than say 2 or 3 years ago. If I get married - what is the worst that can happen? I get divorced. I say it nonchalantly, I know, but it is the truth. Things aren't always meant to work out. Of course I would fight to make it work, but if it is truly not meant to be then the fighting is useless. I have a natural ability to care for children. I love the thought of having a miniature version of myself and being a parent, doing all the things my parents did after swearing I never would. But honestly, how many men are willing to help you create a life and still want to be a part? Not too many. I mean, not that I am looking, but even at my age now its funny to watch the guys squirm at the very mention of the possibility their seed fertilizing an egg. Not mine, but any. Trust me, I'm not giving anyone any opportunity, but it is an idea I have quite often. Who knows, in the process of making babies I could find my next Cadillac - I mean partner! :)
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