What's on my mind? Well, let me tell you ...

Do you ever just get so frustrated (for no reason at all) that you just want to open your mouth and scream as loud as possible? Well I do.

Do you ever just get so irritated that you just want to ball up your fist and go psycho on some innocent being or punching bag? Well I do. I've never had the opportunity to hit anybody - well, 'really' hit somebody. There was an ex boyfriend that slapped me across the face and I retaliated by doing the same. Then there was the ex boyfriend that broke my shoulder and I made sure to do everything in my power to decrease his chances in reproducing. (Hey, no judgements - he deserved it)

I have dealt with depression and anxiety since my parents split; stemming from infidelity, past convictions and the end of a love for one another. Not that I blame them for my 'issues', but I can honestly say it was a factor. I think we are all predisposed of embalances and emotional issues and that anything traumatizing can bring them to the surface. At 15 I was too young to know what was best for me so off to therapy I went. As I previously mentioned I was, at one time, a Psych major - go figure. Therapy was unsuccessful, to say the least. It only led me to hate my parents and therapist even more. On one hand, I was very grateful that my parents had separated. I used to wish every night before bed that they would, but never dreamed it would actually happen to my family. I was raised in such a strict Pentecostal upbringing that divorce was never an option. Well, I got my wish. I was ultimately happy about it but not entirely clear as to why I was so happy about my parents' unhappiness.

As an adult I can understand and relate to the positives of their separation. I grew up convinced that it was not possible to fall 'out of love' with someone. What I grew to understand is that there is a difference between 'loving' and being 'in love'. My parents were simply not 'in love'. Of course they had a long history and a deep love for one another, but I just do not think it was meant to be. My father was always quite the 'ladies man'. Not that he was a manwhore, but he just appreciated the company of women. I can even remember him going on a trip to NYC with my and my cheerleading squad for our National competition and all the single moms were ga-ga eyed. I cannot tell you how many of them I had to crush at the mention of him having a girlfriend. I love that my dad is handsome. With the company of my mom's good looks I turned out okay.

Anyway, back to my point ... I found myself being depressed for no reason. I had my first panic attack at age 21 and it was so bad that the nurses at the front desk made a beeline to my side and had me hooked up to an EKG machine in less than 90 seconds of my arrival. I had all the signs of a heart attack and / or stroke - even the dilated pupil. (I have one pupil that remains larger than the other at all times. I learned that it is also a sign of drain bamage, I mean brain damage, and it happened after my head was thrown into a windshield.) It was frightening, to say the least. At that point in my life I was already addicted to pain killers. I was diagnosed with chronic migraines at age 16 and had broken nearly every bone in my body. So now, on top of the pain killers, I was also being prescribed everything from Vallium to Xanax. I woke up with a cocktail every day and it did not even involve alcohol. It is nothing less than a miracle that I am still breathing today. With the stuff I was prescribed it is a wonder how I did manage to live through those years. At age 24, while living in Los Angeles, I made a conscious decision to stop taking all forms of pills. I have been 'clean' for nearly two years. I can finally take an Excederin and expect it to make a difference. I realized that I can overcome anything if I truly put my mind to it. I quit smoking at the age of 22, after 5 years of it. The mind is a powerful thing and it is all about control. I obviously learned to control mine - for the most part.

Back to the fits. Sobriety in any sense is not an end to any battle. I fight everyday to stay clean. I am an emotional sap. I cry during an inspirational commercial, the National Anthem gives me goosebumps and brings tears to my eyes, and "The Notebook" will never cease to leave my ducts dry. There are also the 'other' emotions. As I mentioned above, I wake up some days just angry at the World. I have to constantly remind myself that some things are, and always will be, out of my control and the only thing I can do is make a choice to how I live out my day. The only victim of my short-lived rage is the nearest pen cap or my dog's squeaky ball. Let's just say that there have been a few that have mysteriously gone missing ... most likely in a neighbor's yard or behind my dresser. Poor Huck. But on we live. Everything in life is a choice. I get so irritated when I hear people say "Well, I didn't have a choice." Of course they did, it is just a matter of whether or not they wanted to face the consequences of that choice. The reason that, to this day, I have not hit anyone in a fit or rage or screamed at the top of my lungs for no reason is simply because I chose not to. Now, I am smart enough to know that I will not always be able to resist. I am sure there will come a day when I decide to just 'let it all go' and I will enjoy every minute of it. Yes, minute. If I am going for it, I am going all out. I just feel sorry for whomever may happen to cross my path in those few moments of time.

Now on to relationships ... I have issues, serious ones. My first serious boyfriend came around when I was 15. Max. Boy did I think I was in love. I was convinced that I would do everything in my power to marry this boy, even knowing the statistics. My parents hated him. My friends thought I could do better, but he filled the void. Don't get me wrong, I did love him and always will, but he got it. He understood my anger, my naivety. He was also from a broken home, and since it was all new to me at this point I was able to confide in him. We carried on throughout high school, breaking up and getting back together. We even continued to visit each other in college. Even though we haven't seen each other since before I moved to California, I often think about him. He was my first love. Since Max I have been involved in more than a handful 'serious' relationships. Though I have loved and lost, I have still not truly been 'in love'. How do I know this? Because I believe that true love does not fade. As many times as I have been scorned and trampled over, I still do believe in this true love thing. The only difference now is that I do not go looking for it. I have learned to sit back and relax, have fun. Something I was never able to do before. I was such a high strung girlfriend (and even wife for a short period) that I never got the chance to just enjoy being with someone. I have finally taken the reigns and have taken back control.

For as long as I can remember I have been in a relationship. My friends would call me a "serial monogamist" and I cannot argue. I love to love and have someone to take care of. I am a natural nurturer. I am the epitomy of the typical housewife - or housegirlfriend, a term my dearest Figueroa coined - except one with a full sleeve tattoo and various piercings. If I could cook and bake and organize all day, spending my free time from house duties writing, I would be the happiest girl on Earth. The problem with that whole scenario is that marriage terrifies me. I want to believe in it and I would like to believe that I am capable of being a wife (again) one day but the thought of it makes my stomach turn to a thousand little knots. I actually just got a little light-headed. Wow. So yeah, I tried the marriage thing once. I skipped off to Vegas (completely sober) with a boy that I briefly dated at 17 and later followed to California. It lasted all of 2 months before his parentals convinced him it was a rash decision. They said, knowing it would never happen again, that if we chose to get married for real one day that they would be happy to take care of it. If only I had known better at that time. We stayed together for 18 months following the annullment. It was a roller coaster relationship. It was passionate, I'll give it that. Whatever emotion we were feeling we acted on, and with full force. It ended, as any could have predicted. The resolution of that marriage / relationship is not what causes me to fear marriage. Nor is my parents divorce. My biggest fear is never being happy. Let me explain ...

I believe that ADD is one of the most over-diagnosed 'illnesses' today. I have never been diagnosed and never will be, but I believe that to an extent I have ADD tendencies. I can never stay focused on one thing for too long - unless I am passionate about it. That single reason is why I still believe that I could possibly find a life partner. Not that I expect anyone to be perfect, but with every boyfriend I find myself knit-picking every little thing about them, asking myself if this is something I can live with for the rest of my life. (As I am sure they do with me as well. I admit that I can be quite difficult and very, very stubborn - you learn to love it though :) Ultimately I always find something that I hate and cannot live with. Hence my single status. I make a conscious effort to keep an open mind on dating, even though dating is such a tedious process. I'm not a big talker, so I wish I could just put my life story into a book; what I like, don't like, etc and just hand it off as a manual to every boy I meet. Ok, not really, but it would weed out a lot of losers. To be completely honest, the 'getting to know each other' is the best part of all of my relationships. I will say that all of my relationships have been exciting in their own right, regardless of how they ended. I always say that it is better to have loved a thousand times and lost than to never love at all. I stand by that and always will. Nothing is ever a failure if you can walk away learning something new and having the knowledge that you did not have before.

I am a believer and a skeptic all in one. Call me crazy and I will agree. I do not live my life according to others which is why I am happy as a clam (minus those minutes where I just want to deck somebody right in the nose).